If you ever ask me how I was as a teenager, my answer would be this: …
I don’t know how I was. I pretended to be someone I wasn’t for so long that I have come to realize: I had no identity back then. I got so lost in what I should be that right now, I’m still searching for myself. Fitting in was my main objective and being “myself” was completely out of the question. It’s not like I wanted to do this. It was unconsciously, my mind making me do, say or think things that were not ME. I tried so hard to get people to like me that my life became a constant search of approval, and sadly, it still is.
I don’t know who I really am in life. All I know is that I have a very diverse taste in music, movies, entertainment, etc.. All thanks to my “role-playing”. I was so set in being “one of them”, I never really thought about standing out, being me. And although I tried to keep up with everyone else, I was still left out. I rarely ever go invited to parties or to the mall and I was just looked down on. I was never relevant. I was just there, in my own little corner, reading my books to forget about a nasty remark made about my character.
I was FAKE. But who isn’t during their teenage years? Those are the years we try different things. Cliques are formed and you had to fake it ’til you made it. My biggest struggle was seeing everyone else fake it and making it and then realizing that no matter how much I faked it, I would never really make it. I would never be one of the pretty ones, I would never be told I had a good voice, I would never be asked out and I would always be made fun off.
I won’t lie and say I never thought everyone would be better off without me. I had those thoughts since I was 11-12 years old. I kept journals and wrote about how I felt lost and that I would never be happy in a place like that. I hated my school and I wanted to leave, but my constant thoughts were “what if its the same?, what if I’m still rejected?”. I tried my luck hanging out with kids from another school and it sort of felt right. I went to parties, to the movies, get together’s at someones house and just chilled with them. I felt like I finally had found a place were I fit in.
Funny how life is though. It’s been years since I last spoke to one of those people. I completely lost contact and none of them have reached out and neither have I. I think that God sent them to me for that amount of time so I could see what being a teenager, really was. Within that group I had my first kiss (dreadful!!!), multiple crushes, some innocent flirting and I even almost get catfished (i outsmarted the bitch). Regardless, it was a good experience. Don’t get me wrong though. I did have friends in my school and they are more than that to me. But it is now that we’ve grown up and some of them have kids or are married that I honestly feel like those people that made fun of me and made me feel alienated are, in fact, my friends and that I can count on them. I have had some of them reach out to me and apologize for bullying me, and some I rather not even speak to and I know it is completely mutual.
The worst part of all this, is the scars. I am full of scars. I tend to not trust people’s intentions and yet I trust them enough to talk to them about personal stuff. I never know who’s a friend and who is just there waiting for the right moment to ditch me. I’ve been let down so many times that I don’t even try anymore. I don’t go around waiting for a text from those who don’t even have the decency to ask me “how’s it been?” or “how’s the new life?”. I won’t lie and say I don’t miss some of the people I thought of as friends, but I am done. I am done with trying to fit in, I am done with feeling hurt when everyone around me is talking about going out drinking right after and not even reach out and say “hey, wanna join us?”. I am done feeling sorry for myself. I am done with being weak.