The 7 Stages of (Relationship) Grief

Tonight I write upon request. A request for a topic that,luckily,I can relate to.

I have an amazing, gorgeous friend who loves love and is just like me, going from one sad excuse of a man to the other. Even though we’re a couple hundred miles apart right now, he knows I’m still there for him with my blunt outbursts of reality.He recently came to me with boy trouble and as soon as we ended our conversation he asked for me to write about it.

I was a bit reluctant at first. Now, at midnight and with no sleep in the horizon, I got the inspiration to write about this.

I’ll be frank. Most of us hopeless romantics see what we want to see where there’s nothing. We meet this “wonderful” guy, talk to him on a daily basis and even have cute nicknames for each other. We start to secretly hope that “this is is the one” and think that “finally my family will stop asking me if I’m thinking about joining a convent”. Few weeks pass and to us, EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL, everything is going at a perfect pace. Just to have our dreams crushed and all our hopes thrown down the drain.

Usually, we go through, what I call, the stages of relationship grief. These are sort of like the stages of grief we normally go through but more realistic to what goes around in our heads when something doesn’t work out. (*Disclaimer: I made this up myself, if it has any resemble to anything remotely similar out there, I apologize….)

Some people skip a few of these (from what I’ve seen) But we all go through this..

  • Denial

This happens when everything is going downhill. We see the signs but we don’t want to accept it. We vent to our friends about how much of an ass he’s being, and how bad everything seems to be and that you’ll give him a chance at it. BAD IDEA.

  • Doubting ourselves

This is honestly one of the worst things we do when something doesn’t work out. We start questioning ourselves and start looking for things WE might have done wrong. The most frequent thoughts we have are: “Could it be that I demanded too much attention”; “Did I smother him too much?”; “I should’ve put out when I had the chance, right?”; “Why did I put out so fast?”;”I talk to much”; “did i bore him?”; “i’m just too fat”; “could it be something I said?” and so on. These are infinite.

Doubting ourselves is harmful for us. Yes, being rejected can be a blow to our self-esteem but it doesn’t have to be that way.

  • Over-analyzing

And I mean EVERYTHING. Every outing, every hang out at either one’s house. Every call, every text. Even mentions. You start analyzing his behavior when you guys hung out with his friends and thing he said to you when you were alone. EVERY SINGLE DETAIL. Just to know where did it go wrong or if he ever gave off some vibe that explains his current non-commitment behavior.

  • Stalking

We’ve all done this. We check his every move to see if he’s with another girl/guy. Who is this person and is this hussy prettier than you. You casually drive by his house or his job and keep an eye on his social media feed 24/7. THIS IS SCARY. But hey, we all go through this. Happens more when there’s no closure.

  • Relapse

“You ever hear the one about the junkie who was satisfied with just one hit of the good stuff?”

Oh our dearest frenemy. This bitch of a stage makes it all difficult. If we fall for this one, we have to start all over again and it suuuucks.. It becomes a vicious cycle. “I’ll give him another chance” “I know he’s changed” “he wont do it again, he promised” “He is in a better place in his life right now” “maybe this time we’ll do it right” and the best of them all… “It’s just to hook up”.. no matter which one we use, RELAPSE IS RELAPSE.

  • Wallow

This I learned from Gilmore Girls. WE ALWAYS NEED TO WALLOW. Cry a little.. or a lot. Your choice. Crying is cathartic. It is good for the soul and it takes you right to next step. This is what we all should do from the beginning but noooo, we are women/men who need to torture ourselves.

  • Best thing I never had(ACCEPTANCE)

Cause it sucks to be him right now, right? This is the final stage and my favorite. I rather be going through this stage than doubting myself. Although, this one does mask the other. Here is when you are at the point were the fact that this douchebag rejected you does not phase you. You’re at that place where you know you’re better off without him and he’s missing out. He’s the one that’s going to be regretting leaving someone as great as you for someone that doesn’t have shit on you, while you are doing you and meeting men who will make him look like that bacteria that lives in the darkest spot of the ocean inside the ass of a dead sharks carcass..

Like I said before, not everyone goes through all of these stages. I usually skip right to acceptance and so does my lovely GBF.   Word of advice to you, my lovely readers, is to hold on when this happens. Rejection feels horrible, but it makes us stronger and helps us obtain more clarity as to what we really want in life, what we yearn for. So be strong and remember, you are the most beautiful person on earth and that one person doesn’t like you how you wish they did, is completely and absolutely irrelevant.

Love you all..

Toodles!

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Thoughts..

“If you want it to eventually end up as a relationship, you have to start hooking up”

That was the advice i got from my friends boyfriend. He told me, and I quote “get on tinder and start sleeping around. That’s what we want. If we like it we’ll stay around and eventually cave.” I looked at him, completely surprised and my only answer was “I’m not like that.”  Thing is, I’ve been on tinder, I’ve hooked up with people, and done stuff with them (well, him). After that experience, I don’t want to merely hook up.

I want to date. I want to be taken out to the movies, then dinner or vice versa. I don’t care. I like road trips and being asked about my day (but not to a point that it’s over 5 calls in one day). I like to be wooed and having casual hook ups doesn’t give me that. Yes, there’s the occasional compliment and intent of wooing from the creepiest guy in OkCupid or POF, but that doesn’t cut it. That is not enough for me. I’ve been single for way too long and the guys I’ve seen throughout the years have shown me what I don’t want.

I want a guy who cares enough to find out what I like and surprise me dedicating a song that he knows could easily become my favorite or already is (I have a huge list of songs I wish guys would dedicate to me). I don’t want the guy who hides when things get somewhat real (has happened twice). Nor the guy who has a girlfriend and thinks I’m stupid enough to not notice. I want the guy who goes out of his way to see me and not the other way around. I don’t want to be the one having to text, call or snapchat to make sure he’s alive. I’m tired of being the one putting my ass on the line trying to make something that’s clearly not meant to be, be. Trying to make a guy I have probably already fallen for, and obviously not admitting it, fall for me.

I’m tired of being just an option and not the one and only. I miss being the center of attention of one guy who’s falling for me, slowly but surely. I miss that. I miss the rush you get when he calls, when he rings the bell or texts you to come down when you are still wearing pj’s. I miss being looked at like I was the most precious thing in the world and having the feeling that whenever I’m with him, everything will be alright.

Some might say that’s love, but for me that’s what falling feels like. And it’s the scariest shit ever. I know that next time I get that feeling I won’t get scared and run away. I will stay and accept it. Because honestly, I’m starting to believe Karma is getting back at me for running when I had something good, just because of fear.

I’m not going to look for this on Tinder, POF, Match, eHarmony or any dating app. I will try to wait for it to come naturally and if it doesn’t, I’ll consider arranged marriage.

Toodles,