Midnight thoughts…

If you ever ask me how I was as a teenager, my answer would be this: …tumblr_mwy5dbJv7H1suhtzlo1_500

I don’t know how I was. I pretended to be someone I wasn’t for so long that I have come to realize: I had no identity back then. I got so lost in what I should be that right now, I’m still searching for myself. Fitting in  was my main objective and being “myself” was completely out of the question. It’s not like I wanted to do this. It was unconsciously, my mind making me do, say or think things that were not ME. I tried so hard to get people to like me that my life became a constant search of approval, and sadly, it still is.

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I don’t know who I really am in life. All I know is that I have a very diverse taste in music, movies, entertainment, etc.. All thanks to my “role-playing”. I was so set in being “one of them”, I never really thought about standing out, being me. And although I tried to keep up with everyone else, I was still left out. I rarely ever go invited to parties or to the mall and I was just looked down on. I was never relevant. I was just there, in my own little corner, reading my books to forget about a nasty remark made about my character.tumblr_mz85kkckuE1s2wsdzo1_500

I was FAKE. But who isn’t during their teenage years? Those are the years we try different things. Cliques are formed and you had to fake it ’til you made it. My biggest struggle was seeing everyone else fake it and making it and then realizing that no matter how much I faked it, I would never really make it. I would never be one of the pretty ones, I would never be told I had a good voice, I would never be asked out and I would always be made fun off.tumblr_mzxz3hdlKN1slwicgo1_500

I won’t lie and say I never thought everyone would be better off without me. I had those thoughts since I was 11-12 years old. I kept journals and wrote about how I felt lost and that I would never be happy in a place like that. I hated my school and I wanted to leave, but my constant thoughts were “what if its the same?, what if I’m still rejected?”. I tried my luck hanging out with kids from another school and it sort of felt right. I went to parties, to the movies, get together’s at someones house and just chilled with them. I felt like I finally had found a place were I fit in.

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Funny how life is though. It’s been years since I last spoke to one of those people. I completely lost contact and none of them have reached out and neither have I. I think that God sent them to me for that amount of time so I could see what being a teenager, really was. Within that group I had my first kiss (dreadful!!!), multiple crushes, some innocent flirting and I even almost get catfished (i outsmarted the bitch). Regardless, it was a good experience. Don’t get me wrong though. I did have friends in my school and they are more than that to me. But it is now that we’ve grown up and some of them have kids or are married that I honestly feel like those people that made fun of me and made me feel alienated are, in fact, my friends and that I can count on them. I have had some of them reach out to me and apologize for bullying me, and some I rather not even speak to and I know it is completely mutual.tumblr_nqq7880GhX1rge4fho1_500

The worst part of all this, is the scars. I am full of scars. I tend to not trust people’s intentions and yet I trust them enough to talk to them about personal stuff. I never know who’s a friend and who is just there waiting for the right moment to ditch me. I’ve been let down so many times that I don’t even try anymore. I don’t go around waiting for a text from those who don’t even have the decency to ask me “how’s it been?” or “how’s the new life?”. I won’t lie and say I don’t miss some of the people I thought of as friends, but I am done.  I am done with trying to fit in, I am done with feeling hurt when everyone around me is talking about going out drinking right after and not even reach out and say “hey, wanna join us?”. I am done feeling sorry for myself. I am done with being weak.tumblr_npqdieeOJC1tvtrqdo1_500

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Thoughts..

“If you want it to eventually end up as a relationship, you have to start hooking up”

That was the advice i got from my friends boyfriend. He told me, and I quote “get on tinder and start sleeping around. That’s what we want. If we like it we’ll stay around and eventually cave.” I looked at him, completely surprised and my only answer was “I’m not like that.”  Thing is, I’ve been on tinder, I’ve hooked up with people, and done stuff with them (well, him). After that experience, I don’t want to merely hook up.

I want to date. I want to be taken out to the movies, then dinner or vice versa. I don’t care. I like road trips and being asked about my day (but not to a point that it’s over 5 calls in one day). I like to be wooed and having casual hook ups doesn’t give me that. Yes, there’s the occasional compliment and intent of wooing from the creepiest guy in OkCupid or POF, but that doesn’t cut it. That is not enough for me. I’ve been single for way too long and the guys I’ve seen throughout the years have shown me what I don’t want.

I want a guy who cares enough to find out what I like and surprise me dedicating a song that he knows could easily become my favorite or already is (I have a huge list of songs I wish guys would dedicate to me). I don’t want the guy who hides when things get somewhat real (has happened twice). Nor the guy who has a girlfriend and thinks I’m stupid enough to not notice. I want the guy who goes out of his way to see me and not the other way around. I don’t want to be the one having to text, call or snapchat to make sure he’s alive. I’m tired of being the one putting my ass on the line trying to make something that’s clearly not meant to be, be. Trying to make a guy I have probably already fallen for, and obviously not admitting it, fall for me.

I’m tired of being just an option and not the one and only. I miss being the center of attention of one guy who’s falling for me, slowly but surely. I miss that. I miss the rush you get when he calls, when he rings the bell or texts you to come down when you are still wearing pj’s. I miss being looked at like I was the most precious thing in the world and having the feeling that whenever I’m with him, everything will be alright.

Some might say that’s love, but for me that’s what falling feels like. And it’s the scariest shit ever. I know that next time I get that feeling I won’t get scared and run away. I will stay and accept it. Because honestly, I’m starting to believe Karma is getting back at me for running when I had something good, just because of fear.

I’m not going to look for this on Tinder, POF, Match, eHarmony or any dating app. I will try to wait for it to come naturally and if it doesn’t, I’ll consider arranged marriage.

Toodles,