Thoughts..

“If you want it to eventually end up as a relationship, you have to start hooking up”

That was the advice i got from my friends boyfriend. He told me, and I quote “get on tinder and start sleeping around. That’s what we want. If we like it we’ll stay around and eventually cave.” I looked at him, completely surprised and my only answer was “I’m not like that.”  Thing is, I’ve been on tinder, I’ve hooked up with people, and done stuff with them (well, him). After that experience, I don’t want to merely hook up.

I want to date. I want to be taken out to the movies, then dinner or vice versa. I don’t care. I like road trips and being asked about my day (but not to a point that it’s over 5 calls in one day). I like to be wooed and having casual hook ups doesn’t give me that. Yes, there’s the occasional compliment and intent of wooing from the creepiest guy in OkCupid or POF, but that doesn’t cut it. That is not enough for me. I’ve been single for way too long and the guys I’ve seen throughout the years have shown me what I don’t want.

I want a guy who cares enough to find out what I like and surprise me dedicating a song that he knows could easily become my favorite or already is (I have a huge list of songs I wish guys would dedicate to me). I don’t want the guy who hides when things get somewhat real (has happened twice). Nor the guy who has a girlfriend and thinks I’m stupid enough to not notice. I want the guy who goes out of his way to see me and not the other way around. I don’t want to be the one having to text, call or snapchat to make sure he’s alive. I’m tired of being the one putting my ass on the line trying to make something that’s clearly not meant to be, be. Trying to make a guy I have probably already fallen for, and obviously not admitting it, fall for me.

I’m tired of being just an option and not the one and only. I miss being the center of attention of one guy who’s falling for me, slowly but surely. I miss that. I miss the rush you get when he calls, when he rings the bell or texts you to come down when you are still wearing pj’s. I miss being looked at like I was the most precious thing in the world and having the feeling that whenever I’m with him, everything will be alright.

Some might say that’s love, but for me that’s what falling feels like. And it’s the scariest shit ever. I know that next time I get that feeling I won’t get scared and run away. I will stay and accept it. Because honestly, I’m starting to believe Karma is getting back at me for running when I had something good, just because of fear.

I’m not going to look for this on Tinder, POF, Match, eHarmony or any dating app. I will try to wait for it to come naturally and if it doesn’t, I’ll consider arranged marriage.

Toodles,

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